Date: 1-20-2017
Time: 0730 hours
Involved:
- Cafeteria Director Thomas Assange
- Security Systems Operator Marshall Corbin
[BEGIN LOG]
(SCP-5383-1 enters the cafeteria and addresses all individuals present.)
SCP-5383-1: Ladies and gentlemen…thank you for tuning in to this month’s Chef Supreme!
(Individuals compelled to applaud.)
SCP-5383-1: Today’s contest takes place at Site-49 of the SCP Foundation, a clandestine organization dedicated to securing, containing, and protecting the backwaters of Earth against the unexplainable. Well, what a perfect place to witness some unexplainably delicious food!
(Audience cheers.)
SCP-5383-1: Today’s contestants come from all corners of reality. First up, we have the famed Grillmaster of Adytum, the Master Flesh-Shaper Kano!
(A tall humanoid covered in limbs and tentacles waves a long arm.)
SCP-5383-1: Next, all the way from Alagadda, we have Irwyn the Aromatic, Lesser Chef of the Hanged King’s Court!
(A short, impish creature waddles forward and nods towards the audience.)
SCP-5383-1: And we’re actually short one slot today, since Ogden refused to participate as long as Kano was present…
(Kano chuckles.)
SCP-5383-1: So, we’ve actually selected a local to compete. Please welcome Site-49’s very own Cafeteria Director, Chef Assange!
(Assange appears to be in shock as nearby individuals bring him towards SCP-5383-1.)
SCP-5383: Oh, don’t be shy. I don’t bite! (Chuckles) Since I swallow whole. Now then, shall we get right to it?
(Audience cheers.)
SCP-5383-1: Right then. Today, we’re going to follow the theme of the environment. I want to taste containment. Your required ingredients today include…Essence Celestia…
(SCP-5383-1 removes a small vial of brilliant golden liquid from its central orfice.)
SCP-5383-1: Mekhanite grounds…
(SCP-5383-1 removes a parcel containing a dull grey powder.)
SCP-5383-1: and…human liver!
(SCP-5383-1 points at Junior Researcher Aarush Patel, who instantly collapses as what appears to be a liver floats through the air towards SCP-5383-1. Assange winces, muttering under his breath, and looks away.)
(Kano chuckles.)
SCP-5383-1: Alright. Rules are the same as usual: use anything you need, as long as I get something to consume in half an hour.
(Audience cheers, and a large countdown is projected from SCP-5383’s appendage.)
SCP-5383-1: And…go!
(The countdown begins. Kano and Irwyn scramble to acquire cooking utensils from Site-49’s cafeteria.)
(Kano sheds several tentacles, and washes them using a solution secreted from his limbs. Irwyn struggles to reach the controls for the oven, and finally resorts to lighting a fire using thaumaturgical methods. Assange sifts through the ingredients located in Site-49’s pantries and refrigerators, and begins removing spices and vegetables.)
SCP-5383-1: Look at how they’re all managing!
(Kano cuts his tentacles length-wise and massages the inside with a mixture of unidentified spices. He then reaches for the Mekhanite grounds, but instantly recoils. Assange cringes as he slices the liver into thin sheets. Irwyn mixes the Essence Celestia into boiling water, causing it to glow brightly.)
(Kano dices onions and an unidentified mushroom, then throws his cleaver towards Irwyn, who barely dodges it.)
Kano: Hard to get a grip on these little handles with…these slippery things, you know.
SCP-5383-1: What an intense competition! We’ve already had our first attempted murder!
(Irwyn grumbles and prepares a thin, crystalline sheet. Assange flips the liver slices while tasting the Mekhanite grounds. He then tastes a sauce, and decides to add Mekhanite grounds and salt into the mixture. Tasting it again, Assange pours it onto the cooked liver.)
SCP-5383-1: Halfway!
(Irwyn prepares an incantation, which he directs at Kano. A series of black tendrils covers Kano’s dish, which Kano scrapes off using a cheese grater.)
SCP-5383-1: Things are really heating up in here! Ten minutes left!
(Assange garnishes his dish with herbs and wafts Essence Celestia. Kano picks various utensils and throws them towards Irwyn and Assange, the latter of which barely dodges the volley, and a spatula slices through his ear. Assange exclaims in pain.)
SCP-5383-1: Five minutes left!
(Kano and Irwyn scramble to finish their dishes. Assange reorganizes the liver, and pours more Essence Celestia on the side.)
SCP-5383-1: We’re running out of time! One minute left!
(SCP-5383-1 begins counting down. Kano garnishes his dish while deflecting projectiles shot by Irwyn, who places the crystalline web into a bowl while performing various thaumaturgic rituals.)
SCP-5383-1: And…time! Contestants, stop whatever you’re doing!
(Irwyn and Assange put their hands in the air. Kano puts all of his hands in the air.)
SCP-5383-1: Alright, then. Kano, why don’t you go first?
(Kano nods, and brings a small dish with grilled tentacles covered in a scarlet sauce.)
Kano: Judge, what I’ve made for you today is based on an old Karcist recipe. While we don’t have Daevites, I was able to substitute that with human liver. This is my take on Daevine steak, topped with rosemary and garlic, with a side of Celestia and tomato sauce.
(SCP-5383-1 wraps a tentacles around the dish, which briefly pulsates.)
SCP-5383-1: Appearance…4 out of 5. Aroma…4 out of 5. Artistry…4 out of 5. I do have a question, though, Kano.
Kano: Yes?
SCP-5383-1: Where are the Mekhanite grounds?
Kano: Well, as a Karcist, Mekhanites…
SCP-5383-1: Let’s keep it brief, Kano! (Chuckles.) No Mekhanite grounds?
Kano: …no.
SCP-5383-1: I suppose that’s a disqualification.
(SCP-5383-1 shrugs and extends its appendages towards Kano. Assange winces as Kano is devoured by SCP-5383-1.)
SCP-5383-1: (Smacking lips.) Mmm…a bit putrid. Now, onto Irwyn!
Irwyn: What I’ve prepared is a bowl of Alagaddan crystal web. This non-Euclidean meal weaves itself into a truly unique texture every time. Within the crystal web is the liver and an explosion of various flavors, including both Essence Celestia and, of course, Mekhanite grounds.
SCP-5383-1: Certainly looks interesting.
(SCP-5383-1 grasps the bowl using two appendages absorbs.)
SCP-5383-1: Appearance…5 out of 5. Aroma…3 out of 5. Artistry…4 out of 5. Care to explain how this tastes like confinement?
Irwyn: The crystal web traps the other flavors inside of it, judge. The aftertaste carries a touch of Essence Celestia, coating the liver.
(SCP-5383-1 nods.)
SCP-5383-1: On to our final contestant, Chef Assange!
(Assange nervously presents a platter to SCP-5383-1.)
Ramsay: This is…grilled liver, garnished with parsley and extracted Essence Celestia. I mixed the Mekhanite grounds into the sauce to give it a more bold flavor. As you’ll soon see, the flavor of the liver’s exterior contrasts with the melting innards.
(SCP-5383-1 wraps a tentacle around the platter and absorbs its contents.)
SCP-5383-1: Delectable. I can definitely taste the containment. It’s a bit bland, but…I suppose the artistry that went into this really makes it quite unique. Appearance…3 out of 5. Aroma…4 out of 5. Artistry…5 out of 5.
(SCP-5383-1 pauses.)
SCP-5383 -1: It appears as though we have a tie. Well, I suppose we’ll have it decided by next round!
(Audience cheers. Irwyn nods. Assange sighs and sits down.)
**SCP-5383-1:* Until next time, then. Tune in next month to see who is…Chef Supreme!
(Audience screams wildly. Irwyn disappears and Assange enters a coma.)
[END LOG]
